Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
You Might Also Like
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.