I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
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I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.