What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
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My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I love wikipedia
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
My background check bounced.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.