Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
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PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
(Jupiter –
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.