I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
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There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Google Pay be like:
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on