Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
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*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.