[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
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Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Meanwhile in Canada…
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
gm
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
🤣🤣
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅