You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
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Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.