My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
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He just like my cat fr
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
good let them take over I have had enough
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
O Wise One….
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)