[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
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Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.