Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
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I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages