In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
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“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean