My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
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Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
*updates tinder bio*
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER