a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
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ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello