SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
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Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
incredible book dedication
peeping toms
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I’m about to risk it all
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”