Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
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Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever