“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
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Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
my mom making me talk to relatives
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.