Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Well, shit
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Goat cheese is for herders.