Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
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ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
this isn’t threatening at all
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”