Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
how much does a mortician urn in a year
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.