ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
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Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
The devil.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.