“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
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Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy