Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
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<- sleeps well with others
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Who’s ready for Friday?!
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Somebody call the cops.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house