Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
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[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery