I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
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I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Leaving the Barbers like
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Body by cheese-puffs.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.