EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
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GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Close call…
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm