Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
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[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.