WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
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Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
the greatest twitter interaction
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.