Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.