Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
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“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.