[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
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My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
step 6: release the wall snake
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Monday Lisa
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”