ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
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Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
mathematically impossible
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?