You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
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Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!