The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
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Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions