Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
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Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!