(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
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Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?