Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
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Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
No laws when master is gone
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.