GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
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Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet