ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
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Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
adding to the discourse