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Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro