My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
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me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.