E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
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My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Smile they said.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail