Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
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I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.