itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
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Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here