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Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops