One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
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Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Cinematography is my passion
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.