A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
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The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)