Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
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Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
🤣
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Perfect
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word