Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
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I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
my dad has had enough
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I’m giving up for Lent.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call