interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
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Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.